this is an unending cycle. a single random inconvenience or thought remembered will trigger this anger, sadness. there comes the need to drink, and to isolate. and being all alone and fucked is only making me more vulnerable to the triggers. And in a way i don't want to escape the cycle. i deserve it. all of it. this is my punishment. and whenever i feel my organs rot i'm glad. Justice served. I hate myself. There is no liberation i deserve but death.